![\"classroom](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.spiritmoxie.com\/conversation\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/02\/Martin-carton.jpg?w=584\")
<\/figure>It\u2019s all very well to be told not to take things personally, but we\u2019re completely wired to do just that. After all, to relate everything to ourselves is one of the keys to surviving. I, myself, am prone to seek approval about how I look and what I do and to think that such approval is essential to my well being. Perhaps it is. But when we look at this \u201cdon\u2019t take things personally\u201d statement, which I hear from many people I consider wise, I need to wonder whether I\u2019m wrong. In other word, maybe other people\u2019s reactions to me aren\u2019t the best way to be validated. <\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n
Really, Sedgwick? How can this be true? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Let\u2019s look at some big picture examples of people\u2019s reactions to comments and actions. Often (I\u2019m willing to allow it isn\u2019t 100% true) when we personally react negatively to someone, that reaction is be a reflection of something we don\u2019t like about ourselves. If I\u2019m honest, there is always something, maybe a fear, that somehow I might do whatever that negative thing is. I might look frumpy, be inconsiderate, overreact, or ruin something for someone else, too. So doesn\u2019t it follow that other\u2019s reactions to us can be in some way a reflection of themselves? That means that what they say is really about them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Of course our reaction to others does affect them, and their reactions affect us. We really are energetically wired to one another whether we want to be or not. This is basic brain science. Our brains are wired to keep us safe. How others react to us and to their environment affects our own area of safety.* So how can those interactions not be personal?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, what\u2019s going on when I tell strangers that I like their hair? Is their reaction about me or a reflection of them? Perhaps the person I\u2019ve complimented just looks at me as if I have two heads. Or ignores me. Perhaps they smile. Their reaction isn\u2019t the point. The point is, for our purposes here, that I <\/em>noticed and liked something much more than how they received my compliment. The point is that I remembered to share something I appreciated with someone else. And so, when I get a compliment about me, that compliment is really about them, which doesn\u2019t mean I can\u2019t enjoy it. Their words just aren\u2019t, when I really pay attention, essential to my happiness or self image.<\/p>\n\n\n\n On the other side, what if I\u2019m told by someone to keep my voice down? Am I too loud? The most useful response is that their comment is simply information. I can take their words as criticism and beat myself up about them, which doesn\u2019t help anyone, or I can hear their words as simply something I need to pay attention to. Or not. Maybe I decide loud is appropriate right then. Their words are their reaction, not my action.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you don\u2019t like my shirt and I do or you don\u2019t understand my writing and someone else loves it or no one loves it, but what I write makes sense to me, is that negative response criticism? Is the critique about me? Well, if I\u2019m trying to communicate, their words are probably useful information. But words don\u2019t have a value judgement component unless I give that value to them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The truth is that people don\u2019t think about us. Really. Or if they do think about us, their thoughts bolster their standards of how the world should show up; their expectations of how we should act and what we should look like. Again, look at your own obsessions about others actions or appearance. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m a mom who gets into critical mode about those I love. But really, all I can do is love them. Any change will or won\u2019t happen through them. All I can do is be me. I can donate or volunteer for a cause, but the impact of those actions is nothing I can control. As I said yesterday (really), \u201cI\u2019ve learned the only person I can change is myself.\u201d I can feel reassured that change is possible because I have changed. I\u2019ve read my old journals, which is a little mind blowing, and, in my mind, proves that it must be possible for others to change as well. But change is in the other person\u2019s court, so to speak. It won\u2019t occur because of anything I do or say. <\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n Two quotations that challenged me on this topic are:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe way that other people judge me is none of my business.\u201d – Martha Beck <\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt\u2019s not your job to like me, it\u2019s mine.\u201d – Byron Katie<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n A Google search on this idea provides books and multiple quotations, so I\u2019m not sure where it originated, but if I\u2019m honest, \u201cwhat others think of me is none of my business\u201d is freeing. Maybe frustrating. Certainly challenging. A work in progress.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n So, play with not taking things personally. Can you see it as a little way to change the world? Can you explore it as a big way to change yours? _____________________ Images from the top: (All book links are Spirit Moxie’s links to Amazon . They don’t affect the cost of the books)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Of all the little things that can change you and the world, this might indeed be number one. Personal here seems to almost always mean criticism, although when we\u2019re lucky, it is instead validation. Either way, taking words and actions … Continue reading ![\"Journals\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.spiritmoxie.com\/conversation\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/02\/IMG_2219.jpg?w=584\")
<\/figure>![\"Always](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.spiritmoxie.com\/conversation\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/02\/Always-remember-that-peoples-judgements-about-you-are-none-of-your-business..jpg?resize=584%2C584\")
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Notes: *7 1\/2 Lessons About the Brain<\/em> by Lisa Feldman Barrett<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Cartoon from For Redemption Press One… <\/em>by Bill Martin (Cincinnati: Forward Movement<\/a>) – out of print
40 years of B’s Journals (some missing?) – Spirit Moxie
Quotation from Big Magic: creative living beyond fear <\/em> by Elizabeth Gilbert<\/a>
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