{"id":752,"date":"2016-06-20T15:01:07","date_gmt":"2016-06-20T19:01:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.sallybsedgwick.com\/conversation\/?p=752"},"modified":"2016-06-19T14:06:18","modified_gmt":"2016-06-19T18:06:18","slug":"name-a-verb","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.spiritmoxie.com\/conversation\/name-a-verb\/","title":{"rendered":"Name (a verb)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Nametags\"When I worked in New York a number of years ago, the staff where I worked decided I was important, competent, and interesting. To this day, Delta Airlines knows me as Dr. Sedgwick thanks to a secretary who wrangled my plane reservations. When I worked for a similar organization in another city, the identity I was given was, \u201cWho are you? Prove you’re worthy to work with us.” Needless to say the first position was a lot easier and, actually, more effective for everyone involved.<\/span><\/p>\n

Naming. How we see each other and verbalize the labels, the ideals, and the perceptions we have about those labels and ideals makes a difference. Perfectly competent adults visit parents and immediately become needy. It’s not just their falling back into codependency or old patterns. Their parents need to be needed. It’s their identity when they are around their children, and so everyone obliges. And we all know how people with serious issues like addictions behave and are wary when we’re around them.<\/span><\/p>\n

Naming, in my experience, can be positive as well as negative and positive naming makes the world work better and is a lot more useful. It’s important to remember, however, that this isn’t magic, although sometimes it seems as if it is, and that naming doesn’t always work.<\/span><\/p>\n

But it’s fun when it does. A couple of years ago, I was on my way to an unfamiliar Brooklyn street corner in the pouring rain, trying to figure out where I was supposed to meet my son. At night. <\/span><\/p>\n

When I ducked under a bodega’s awning, a tall guy who I’m pretty sure (one learns these things) was going to ask me for money was already there. “I’m so wet,” I said. True. By the time we figured things out, he was 1) mad at how inconsiderate my son was and 2) offering to walk me the several blocks to my son’s apartment. Money was never mentioned, and when my son did show up, my new friend glared at him. We had named each other as peers. <\/span><\/p>\n

Perhaps a more dramatic example involved my friend Valerie who taught third grade. Her classroom included many non-white students who had been \u201cnamed\u201d by their previous teachers as unteachable, slow, and\/or stupid. These teachers promoted these students just to keep the system moving. Valerie saw, that is \u201cnamed,\u201d them as third graders, who could learn third grade material. As a result of her naming everyone in her classroom was reading at third grade level by the end of the year.<\/span><\/p>\n

We do this with friends too, sometimes positively, sometimes negatively. We put each other in boxes. For example, we say so and so is always late. I’m usually pretty much on time (ask my friend Su), but my friend Marilyn has named me as always late. Even if I’m early she’s there first. It maintains her perception that she\u2019s accurate and keeps her naming of me intact. I have friends who name me as intelligent and interesting. As adventurous. And as boring and antisocial. <\/span><\/p>\n

So there are two parts to this:<\/span><\/p>\n

1) How do we respond to how others name us?<\/span><\/p>\n

2) How do we name others?<\/span><\/p>\n

Awareness of how others name you is fascinating once you realize what\u2019s going on. The positive part is usually energizing, although occasionally you may be named as someone you don\u2019t want to be. For instance it may be positive to be perceived as intellectual, but sometimes it just feels like pressure. There are multiple people who name me as an excellent professional communicator (as in press releases and newsletters), even though I\u2019ve never done that sort of work and don\u2019t really want to. <\/span><\/p>\n

Naming also has multiple sides. To be seen as friendly and fun may cause pressure when you really just want support. On the other hand that naming may help you generate enough energy to be friendly and fun despite your mood. <\/span><\/p>\n

What do we do with negative naming? It\u2019s often evident in bullying. Perhaps people use negative naming to increase their sense of self importance. Can we make it a game? (Just how early do I have to show up at my next \u201cdate\u201d with Marilyn? Nope, that idea didn\u2019t work!)<\/span><\/p>\n

To not live into the negative part of naming is a challenge and sometimes not worth it. I quit the second job mentioned earlier. Oh, I learned a lot from it and could have probably set the right boundaries, now that I look back with 20\/20 hindsight. I named those coworkers as gifted as well as highly respected and appreciated for their work and I\u2019m pretty sure how I named them took before I left. <\/span><\/p>\n

If you don\u2019t like how you are named, it may be time to change friends\u2014or jobs.<\/span><\/p>\n

But it’s important to realize that naming isn’t usually instantaneous, or, as I said, magic. To decide that the kid on drugs is fine or that your mother will stop being needy is a bit more complicated than just deciding. Perhaps there is need for a serious intervention (or several), for the addicted kid. Perhaps the parent has to be told a thousand times that it\u2019s not up to you. But naming always creates change.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ultimately, however, what naming changes is yourself. In many fantasy books, among other sources, to name is to wield power. Certainly some of the power is over and for those named. But beyond this the naming is for ourselves. I can accept the good names and offer more positive names to others. The more I do this, the more the world will gradually change. So I\u2019ll stay important, competent, and interesting. And intelligent and inspiring while I\u2019m at it. <\/span><\/p>\n

So, what about you?\u00a0 <\/span>Together, we\u2019ll be more powerful and joyful and creative and alive.<\/span><\/p>\n

Who do you need to name?<\/span><\/p>\n

Who have you named?<\/span><\/p>\n

How are you named?<\/span><\/p>\n

______________________________<\/p>\n

Photo:
\nBlurred nametags \u2014 Spirit Moxie<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When I worked in New York a number of years ago, the staff where I worked decided I was important, competent, and interesting. To this day, Delta Airlines knows me as Dr. Sedgwick thanks to a secretary who wrangled my … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-752","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-main-conversation"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6DJHl-c8","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.spiritmoxie.com\/conversation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/752","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.spiritmoxie.com\/conversation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.spiritmoxie.com\/conversation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.spiritmoxie.com\/conversation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.spiritmoxie.com\/conversation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=752"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.spiritmoxie.com\/conversation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/752\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":756,"href":"https:\/\/www.spiritmoxie.com\/conversation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/752\/revisions\/756"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.spiritmoxie.com\/conversation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=752"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.spiritmoxie.com\/conversation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=752"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.spiritmoxie.com\/conversation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=752"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}