Of all the little things that can change you and the world, this might indeed be number one. Personal here seems to almost always mean criticism, although when we’re lucky, it is instead validation. Either way, taking words and actions personally gets entwined in our thoughts and emotions.
It’s all very well to be told not to take things personally, but we’re completely wired to do just that. After all, to relate everything to ourselves is one of the keys to surviving. I, myself, am prone to seek approval about how I look and what I do and to think that such approval is essential to my well being. Perhaps it is. But when we look at this “don’t take things personally” statement, which I hear from many people I consider wise, I need to wonder whether I’m wrong. In other word, maybe other people’s reactions to me aren’t the best way to be validated.
Really, Sedgwick? How can this be true?
Let’s look at some big picture examples of people’s reactions to comments and actions. Often (I’m willing to allow it isn’t 100% true) when we personally react negatively to someone, that reaction is be a reflection of something we don’t like about ourselves. If I’m honest, there is always something, maybe a fear, that somehow I might do whatever that negative thing is. I might look frumpy, be inconsiderate, overreact, or ruin something for someone else, too. So doesn’t it follow that other’s reactions to us can be in some way a reflection of themselves? That means that what they say is really about them.
Of course our reaction to others does affect them, and their reactions affect us. We really are energetically wired to one another whether we want to be or not. This is basic brain science. Our brains are wired to keep us safe. How others react to us and to their environment affects our own area of safety.* So how can those interactions not be personal?
So, what’s going on when I tell strangers that I like their hair? Is their reaction about me or a reflection of them? Perhaps the person I’ve complimented just looks at me as if I have two heads. Or ignores me. Perhaps they smile. Their reaction isn’t the point. The point is, for our purposes here, that I noticed and liked something much more than how they received my compliment. The point is that I remembered to share something I appreciated with someone else. And so, when I get a compliment about me, that compliment is really about them, which doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it. Their words just aren’t, when I really pay attention, essential to my happiness or self image.
On the other side, what if I’m told by someone to keep my voice down? Am I too loud? The most useful response is that their comment is simply information. I can take their words as criticism and beat myself up about them, which doesn’t help anyone, or I can hear their words as simply something I need to pay attention to. Or not. Maybe I decide loud is appropriate right then. Their words are their reaction, not my action.
If you don’t like my shirt and I do or you don’t understand my writing and someone else loves it or no one loves it, but what I write makes sense to me, is that negative response criticism? Is the critique about me? Well, if I’m trying to communicate, their words are probably useful information. But words don’t have a value judgement component unless I give that value to them.
The truth is that people don’t think about us. Really. Or if they do think about us, their thoughts bolster their standards of how the world should show up; their expectations of how we should act and what we should look like. Again, look at your own obsessions about others actions or appearance.
I’m a mom who gets into critical mode about those I love. But really, all I can do is love them. Any change will or won’t happen through them. All I can do is be me. I can donate or volunteer for a cause, but the impact of those actions is nothing I can control. As I said yesterday (really), “I’ve learned the only person I can change is myself.” I can feel reassured that change is possible because I have changed. I’ve read my old journals, which is a little mind blowing, and, in my mind, proves that it must be possible for others to change as well. But change is in the other person’s court, so to speak. It won’t occur because of anything I do or say.
Two quotations that challenged me on this topic are:
“The way that other people judge me is none of my business.” – Martha Beck
“It’s not your job to like me, it’s mine.” – Byron Katie
A Google search on this idea provides books and multiple quotations, so I’m not sure where it originated, but if I’m honest, “what others think of me is none of my business” is freeing. Maybe frustrating. Certainly challenging. A work in progress.
So, play with not taking things personally. Can you see it as a little way to change the world? Can you explore it as a big way to change yours?
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Notes: *7 1/2 Lessons About the Brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett
Images from the top:
Cartoon from For Redemption Press One… by Bill Martin (Cincinnati: Forward Movement) – out of print
40 years of B’s Journals (some missing?) – Spirit Moxie
Quotation from Big Magic: creative living beyond fear by Elizabeth Gilbert
(All book links are Spirit Moxie’s links to Amazon . They don’t affect the cost of the books)