For years it felt as if I made connections, had exciting experiences, and embraced interesting job opportunities because of how I was related to others. I was the daughter of a dynamic, interesting mother who loved me. I was the wife of an intelligent, professional man. When both those relationships ended (death/divorce), I then had multiple opportunities just because I’m female.
Of course that’s an exaggeration. During this time I was loved, challenged, and pursued possibilities that were completely mine. But in retrospect, this view reflected a lot of truth and dramatically showed me that how others view us and how we view ourselves affects us significantly.
Think of it as boxes. Once someone believes they know something about you, they make it part of your box. Let’s say that one day you don’t eat shrimp. Now I know people allergic to shrimp – so that’s part of their box if you’re cooking for them. -But let’s say that on one day, you just didn’t want any shrimp. Because of that one time decision, I assume it’s part of your box – until we go out and you order some. “But I thought you didn’t like shrimp.” “What????,” you say. “Where did you get that idea?” This is a fairly superficial example, but there are always others. One friend decided I was always late, -so she started arriving at our meeting places extra early so she could support her assumption.
Both age and gender identity are more insidious examples of boxes. I pretty much don’t share my age because many people instantly put me into the box labeled “old.” It becomes an explanation for why I forget names – which has been an issue for me as long as I can remember. Many assume it explains health issues, which may partly be true, but I know drinking more water and walking more will mitigate many things we blame on age. Plus, I have friends much younger than I am who have health issues too. Many people I meet use the age box as an explanation of any ache, mishap, or uncertainty, such as a dislike for driving after dark.
Gender? One friend defines himself as “bi,” although I firmly have placed him in the box labeled “gay.” But it’s his box and I really have no right to do that. Another male friend is more comfortable dressed as a woman, both for performance and general comfort, but doesn’t label himself at all. It just is an is. To me, that box just acknowledges and embraces presentation.
I think it is the assumption that our personal box is the right one, somehow a better box than those of others around us, that contributes to people’s unease around identities that are different from theirs, which is also a reflection of what we encounter as negatively in news and some conversations.
There are a myriad of “boxes” in our lives. All those assumptions we make about others affect us too. Plus I’m not even talking here about overriding assumptions, such as race, which are a lot more more complex than I have space to address here.
Most boxes are somewhere in between. Boxes help us manage all of the connections around us. The real challenge is for you to be aware of the boxes you choose or don’t choose to define yourself and others.
Are the walls of your boxes solid or permeable as you encounter things during your day? Do you confront boxes that don’t fit, that you don’t want, and that feel inconsistent? “You always do such and such….” isn’t true just because someone says it.
Play with it. Could you have made an incorrect assumption about someone you know? How do you react to how others talk about you and to you. Is it affirming? Do think something isn’t true? Make it a game! I would love a chance to hear how it goes!
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All photos by Spirit Moxie
Storage shelves
Box at transit station
Sometime in 2015, I decided not to own a car: one more dramatic dent “appeared” on the car I had (well, a bit more dramatic than a dent), I have eyes that don’t always work together (but somehow that doesn’t keep me from driving), plus I have great sons who in all probability would never take away my license no matter my age, health, or eyes. So, I did it to myself. I sold the car and somehow still got where I was meant to be. I still have a license and sometimes drive, but usually not willingly. Which is a long way of saying that I’ve learned, even where it isn’t obviously easy, how to use public transportation. And if public transit doesn’t work, I seem to have acquired friends who matter of factly expect to pick me up and drop me off when that’s the best option for getting together.
“But,” you say, “I need my car. I have to get places quickly and promptly. There are errands and work and last minute social obligations, to say nothing of having to carry a lot. Plus, there isn’t any reliable public transit where I live. In fact, there aren’t even unreliable options.” Fair. I’ve lived there, too. I have friends even now that are impossible to visit unless someone picks me up and drives. It means that for now, I am choosing not to live in smaller towns or somewhere rural. But when you have the option, try it. At the very least you won’t have to worry about parking.
Plus, you probably do use, or think about using, public transportation even now. Or some form of shared transportation that isn’t funded through the government. For instance, airlines, cruise ships and ferries, and trains. While these modes are just beginning to be more fuel efficient, they have always moved large numbers of people and large quantities of things around the world. And that means less congestion.
Note that having friends is not the same as just being around people who are different. For example, travel “broadens” us, but that exposure probably doesn’t include a one-on-one conversation about food, clothes, and insecurities. One can go to an ethnic festival, read about job loss, and admire different music and art, but do you know the cook and their dreams, have ideas for the new job that actually reflects someone’s ideals and abilities, and attend all that artist’s concerts and art exhibits? I am guessing that you try to do that for your friends. Plus remember conversations work both ways. You learn about each other. How do they support you? How do they expand and support what is possible for you?
Another community I have suddenly found myself immersed in is that of drag queens in Portland, OR, where I now live. (I’d say at least four consider me a friend. Really.) One considered her 35th birthday weekend a super major happening. I wanted to change schedules to actually attend one of her events, but my previous commitments made this impossible. Except, finally, a late Friday night event showed up. She had to share two links with me so I could actually buy a ticket! So, that Friday I picked up a stem of yellow roses (yellow for friendship – who knew?) from a real florist, headed to my usual Friday night commitment, and arrived at her later one just as the show began — which meant I was greeted by name as I walked in and handed her the flowers in front of everyone (which is also a story about how time works). Ah, but how does she support me? Hugs. Making sure I have a seat at events where she isn’t performing. Answering messages. Differences? For the record I’m not male, gay, or 6’10”, and I was 35 a long time ago….
Maybe “slowly” is better — but “slow” feels right. But why is this something to make a difference or change the world?
If you still feel you must hurry, go ahead. Recently, I was helping host a public labyrinth walk happening in a private space. One woman sat very still, took a long moment to begin her walk, and then moved so quickly through the labyrinth it was hard to see if she actually followed the design. In the middle she sat quietly for a long time. And them moved so quickly out that my companion asked me if she’d just headed for the exit. (No, she again “walked.”) Certainly I don’t know her story. But the slow, even motionless, part of her “walk” was clearly central. The hurry just allowed her to get to the places where, for her, “slow” was essential.
As a topic, the importance of focus has cost me nine months of writing (I started this in June 2025!) and at least one friend (which I won’t amplify with an explanation). I’ve become entangled in politics when my main idea has always been the importance of focus for us as individuals. I think this is a third draft. Let’s see where the conversation on focus leads us today.
The first is curiosity. If you live as if the world is on your side, what is unfolding? There’s a word for this. 
Presence and curiosity (those words again) combined with positive action — even if that action is only baby steps — allows the positive in. What positive thought (yes thoughts have power) or action, even one so small you think it couldn’t make a difference, wants to happen?
On the original list of 
Last night, tired and slightly under the weather, I came home, made a hot toddy, and went to my computer. The cord said, “fully charged,” but no matter what I did, the screen stayed an unresponsive black. There wasn’t a way to turn it off and on, and I couldn’t find a reset pinhole (wasn’t there one of those on laptops?). It didn’t matter what keys I pressed. So, I put down the lid and imagined, in the morning, writing a frantic email on my phone to some folks I had planned to connect with via zoom and an unplanned trip to the Apple Store.
On the other hand, a new friend gleefully took it upon herself to rescue a dress I love that had embarrassing holes by adding butterflies and has repaired at least one pair of pants. I’m told she’s working on other things now just from the pure joy of it. Plus, all my electronics do work, thank you very much.
So, when things aren’t going well, where can you see pronoia vs. paranoia? Can you offer 
“Why should I use them? There’s no one around,” retorted the voices of random friends.
As a frequent pedestrian, I often signal to cars as to whether I really will cross the street or if I am letting the car go first. Sometimes the car won’t go first because they’ve learned to not trust walkers or other drivers. (Is that car really letting me in?)
When I first had the, “I really need to publish a book, plus I am tired of no one really understanding Spirit Moxie” conversation with my self, I chose the working title, Mattering.
Today it is “mattering” as its own topic that is haunting me. Spirit Moxie, which has become part of my identity, now has a life of its own. Most of its fairly original ideas, which were once a tad controversial, are now common place. I’m single and alone a good deal of the time. I was pretty tired when the feeling that “I don’t matter” hit me a few days ago. Even while I was tired, I could journal a bit. I remembered that my children can’t really imagine a world without me, that I have great friends who love me, and that there are at least one dog and one cat on this world who miss me terribly when I’m not around—or at least their behavior when I reappear is indicative of that.
And so it goes. Who, me? Matter? Turn it around! In the upcoming election, it matters that there is a person I’d prefer have elected. A
My friends know I seldom watch the news or pursue a newspaper, real or online. This is, perhaps, one way of not paying attention, although it feels more like emotional preservation. The world makes sure I know about any essential events.
So where is the balance? How is one accountable and so not hit either physically or psychically and still able to avoid most fear and paranoia? How does one know what to pay attention to while remaining calm and grounded? And how do we do that?
If you’re having trouble finding the positive, take a minute right now and look around. What are you noticing? One of my most negative friends loves black. If he were here, he could appreciate my black sweatshirt and the “sexy” black mic sock on the microphone by my computer. Breathe. Ah! You can breathe. There is that. Plus your heart is pumping quite independently. You can find the positive in that. It can be that small. If all you know is news, appreciate that you get it and stop there. If you’re called to real action appreciate the opportunity and community. (Most of those bits are always in community.) If you love puzzles, make it a puzzle to find five things to notice and appreciate right now: Our potential lawn guy just lowered his estimate by $50. I got an invitation for dinner. I know where my phone is! This Conversation piece is almost finished. I’ve heard that my friends who were in the path of Hurricane Helene are struggling, but basically OK.