For years it felt as if I made connections, had exciting experiences, and embraced interesting job opportunities because of how I was related to others. I was the daughter of a dynamic, interesting mother who loved me. I was the wife of an intelligent, professional man. When both those relationships ended (death/divorce), I then had multiple opportunities just because I’m female.
Of course that’s an exaggeration. During this time I was loved, challenged, and pursued possibilities that were completely mine. But in retrospect, this view reflected a lot of truth and dramatically showed me that how others view us and how we view ourselves affects us significantly.
Think of it as boxes. Once someone believes they know something about you, they make it part of your box. Let’s say that one day you don’t eat shrimp. Now I know people allergic to shrimp – so that’s part of their box if you’re cooking for them. -But let’s say that on one day, you just didn’t want any shrimp. Because of that one time decision, I assume it’s part of your box – until we go out and you order some. “But I thought you didn’t like shrimp.” “What????,” you say. “Where did you get that idea?” This is a fairly superficial example, but there are always others. One friend decided I was always late, -so she started arriving at our meeting places extra early so she could support her assumption.
Both age and gender identity are more insidious examples of boxes. I pretty much don’t share my age because many people instantly put me into the box labeled “old.” It becomes an explanation for why I forget names – which has been an issue for me as long as I can remember. Many assume it explains health issues, which may partly be true, but I know drinking more water and walking more will mitigate many things we blame on age. Plus, I have friends much younger than I am who have health issues too. Many people I meet use the age box as an explanation of any ache, mishap, or uncertainty, such as a dislike for driving after dark.
Gender? One friend defines himself as “bi,” although I firmly have placed him in the box labeled “gay.” But it’s his box and I really have no right to do that. Another male friend is more comfortable dressed as a woman, both for performance and general comfort, but doesn’t label himself at all. It just is an is. To me, that box just acknowledges and embraces presentation.
I think it is the assumption that our personal box is the right one, somehow a better box than those of others around us, that contributes to people’s unease around identities that are different from theirs, which is also a reflection of what we encounter as negatively in news and some conversations.
There are a myriad of “boxes” in our lives. All those assumptions we make about others affect us too. Plus I’m not even talking here about overriding assumptions, such as race, which are a lot more more complex than I have space to address here.
Most boxes are somewhere in between. Boxes help us manage all of the connections around us. The real challenge is for you to be aware of the boxes you choose or don’t choose to define yourself and others.
Are the walls of your boxes solid or permeable as you encounter things during your day? Do you confront boxes that don’t fit, that you don’t want, and that feel inconsistent? “You always do such and such….” isn’t true just because someone says it.
Play with it. Could you have made an incorrect assumption about someone you know? How do you react to how others talk about you and to you. Is it affirming? Do think something isn’t true? Make it a game! I would love a chance to hear how it goes!
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All photos by Spirit Moxie
Storage shelves
Box at transit station
Last night, tired and slightly under the weather, I came home, made a hot toddy, and went to my computer. The cord said, “fully charged,” but no matter what I did, the screen stayed an unresponsive black. There wasn’t a way to turn it off and on, and I couldn’t find a reset pinhole (wasn’t there one of those on laptops?). It didn’t matter what keys I pressed. So, I put down the lid and imagined, in the morning, writing a frantic email on my phone to some folks I had planned to connect with via zoom and an unplanned trip to the Apple Store.
On the other hand, a new friend gleefully took it upon herself to rescue a dress I love that had embarrassing holes by adding butterflies and has repaired at least one pair of pants. I’m told she’s working on other things now just from the pure joy of it. Plus, all my electronics do work, thank you very much.
So, when things aren’t going well, where can you see pronoia vs. paranoia? Can you offer 
When I first had the, “I really need to publish a book, plus I am tired of no one really understanding Spirit Moxie” conversation with my self, I chose the working title, Mattering.
Today it is “mattering” as its own topic that is haunting me. Spirit Moxie, which has become part of my identity, now has a life of its own. Most of its fairly original ideas, which were once a tad controversial, are now common place. I’m single and alone a good deal of the time. I was pretty tired when the feeling that “I don’t matter” hit me a few days ago. Even while I was tired, I could journal a bit. I remembered that my children can’t really imagine a world without me, that I have great friends who love me, and that there are at least one dog and one cat on this world who miss me terribly when I’m not around—or at least their behavior when I reappear is indicative of that.
And so it goes. Who, me? Matter? Turn it around! In the upcoming election, it matters that there is a person I’d prefer have elected. A
If you feel uncertain about politics, violence, economics, the environment, or any other current issues, global and personal, you may also feel a tad helpless about “things.” Perhaps as a reader or follower of Spirit Moxie, you’ve forgotten that there really are little things we can do to change the world. Or maybe you’ve never really thought that little things might work to affect big issues.
Then go back to those little things we talk about in Spirit Moxie. If you have a copy of 
Then there are the concrete actions that make a difference as we can we clearly see. An area without litter (4.) is healthier and safer as well as more attractive (back to emotions!).
During COVID, I wrote a Conversation piece around the importance of growing things called 
Many are on our basic “little things that can change the world” list.
Part of your job might be the dreaming that creates these — but it is certainly gratitude for them which helps give them power.
Almost everyone loves a good story, whether a formal tale or that anecdote about the guy in the supermarket. It’s one reason gossip is fuel for so many and, I’m guessing, is also the basis for serious insights revealed in therapy.
I got to this point by realizing I’m sometimes impatient when people see situations as hard (yes, I know I don’t know all of the details). And I realized why.
This, too, is a story. Somewhere there is a story that works for
This year I struggled with a post about the new year, which is why this post is early in the year, but not at the very beginning. I reread all the former end of/beginning of year Spirit Moxie Conversations. (I suggest the core 1916 post 
The second piece to help you remember: I kind of dare you to try. It is an exercise I love that apparently pushes people’s buttons. Ask someone — using these exact words — “Tell me how I’m fabulous.” You can ask me that question when you see me in person. Or, send me a 
Spirit Moxie is now 10 years old, and many of the ideas we introduced in 2013 have become commonplace. Our central concept focuses on the power of positive change, but when we look around, it feels as if, rather than becoming more positive, the world has become darker: politics uglier, the environment more fragile, people less connected, and information and news increasingly unreliable. We have the tools to correct this. There are actions and mindsets to help prevent these problems! So why do they still exist?
“Spirit,” for me, is multi-faceted and ranges from the energy at a football game to serious conversations on theology. But perhaps the most basic place for the word and idea comes from the way people describe being human as “body, mind, and spirit.” Do you say this? If so, what does it mean to you? When one simply looks up the definition of “spirit,” or, to be precise, looks it up in the dictionary on my phone, the very first definition is “the principle of conscious life; the vital principle in humans, animating the body or mediating between body and soul.” Hmmm. So, in some way, our spirit is what makes us conscious of our humanity and of our existence.
What I want to suggest here is a perspective I’m pretty sure I didn’t come up with on my own, but I can’t trace it to a source. Simply put, how humans talk about God and the energy that image embodies changes about every 2,000 years. We have the time of the Old Testament or BCE (Before the Common Era) which describes god in a fairly hierarchical way (the Father). Then comes the more personal connection personified in the figure of Jesus that has affected a good portion of the world, whatever your religious beliefs are, during the past 2,000 years or so. It is reflected in Western calendar dating and has been the root cause of
We can see truth in this idea of our being in a time of the Spirit as we listen to some of the current spiritually based (there’s that darn word “spirit’ again) coaches and writers. One example is