For years it felt as if I made connections, had exciting experiences, and embraced interesting job opportunities because of how I was related to others. I was the daughter of a dynamic, interesting mother who loved me. I was the wife of an intelligent, professional man. When both those relationships ended (death/divorce), I then had multiple opportunities just because I’m female.
Of course that’s an exaggeration. During this time I was loved, challenged, and pursued possibilities that were completely mine. But in retrospect, this view reflected a lot of truth and dramatically showed me that how others view us and how we view ourselves affects us significantly.
Think of it as boxes. Once someone believes they know something about you, they make it part of your box. Let’s say that one day you don’t eat shrimp. Now I know people allergic to shrimp – so that’s part of their box if you’re cooking for them. -But let’s say that on one day, you just didn’t want any shrimp. Because of that one time decision, I assume it’s part of your box – until we go out and you order some. “But I thought you didn’t like shrimp.” “What????,” you say. “Where did you get that idea?” This is a fairly superficial example, but there are always others. One friend decided I was always late, -so she started arriving at our meeting places extra early so she could support her assumption.
Both age and gender identity are more insidious examples of boxes. I pretty much don’t share my age because many people instantly put me into the box labeled “old.” It becomes an explanation for why I forget names – which has been an issue for me as long as I can remember. Many assume it explains health issues, which may partly be true, but I know drinking more water and walking more will mitigate many things we blame on age. Plus, I have friends much younger than I am who have health issues too. Many people I meet use the age box as an explanation of any ache, mishap, or uncertainty, such as a dislike for driving after dark.
Gender? One friend defines himself as “bi,” although I firmly have placed him in the box labeled “gay.” But it’s his box and I really have no right to do that. Another male friend is more comfortable dressed as a woman, both for performance and general comfort, but doesn’t label himself at all. It just is an is. To me, that box just acknowledges and embraces presentation.
I think it is the assumption that our personal box is the right one, somehow a better box than those of others around us, that contributes to people’s unease around identities that are different from theirs, which is also a reflection of what we encounter as negatively in news and some conversations.
There are a myriad of “boxes” in our lives. All those assumptions we make about others affect us too. Plus I’m not even talking here about overriding assumptions, such as race, which are a lot more more complex than I have space to address here.
Most boxes are somewhere in between. Boxes help us manage all of the connections around us. The real challenge is for you to be aware of the boxes you choose or don’t choose to define yourself and others.
Are the walls of your boxes solid or permeable as you encounter things during your day? Do you confront boxes that don’t fit, that you don’t want, and that feel inconsistent? “You always do such and such….” isn’t true just because someone says it.
Play with it. Could you have made an incorrect assumption about someone you know? How do you react to how others talk about you and to you. Is it affirming? Do think something isn’t true? Make it a game! I would love a chance to hear how it goes!
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All photos by Spirit Moxie
Storage shelves
Box at transit station
Sometime in 2015, I decided not to own a car: one more dramatic dent “appeared” on the car I had (well, a bit more dramatic than a dent), I have eyes that don’t always work together (but somehow that doesn’t keep me from driving), plus I have great sons who in all probability would never take away my license no matter my age, health, or eyes. So, I did it to myself. I sold the car and somehow still got where I was meant to be. I still have a license and sometimes drive, but usually not willingly. Which is a long way of saying that I’ve learned, even where it isn’t obviously easy, how to use public transportation. And if public transit doesn’t work, I seem to have acquired friends who matter of factly expect to pick me up and drop me off when that’s the best option for getting together.
“But,” you say, “I need my car. I have to get places quickly and promptly. There are errands and work and last minute social obligations, to say nothing of having to carry a lot. Plus, there isn’t any reliable public transit where I live. In fact, there aren’t even unreliable options.” Fair. I’ve lived there, too. I have friends even now that are impossible to visit unless someone picks me up and drives. It means that for now, I am choosing not to live in smaller towns or somewhere rural. But when you have the option, try it. At the very least you won’t have to worry about parking.
Plus, you probably do use, or think about using, public transportation even now. Or some form of shared transportation that isn’t funded through the government. For instance, airlines, cruise ships and ferries, and trains. While these modes are just beginning to be more fuel efficient, they have always moved large numbers of people and large quantities of things around the world. And that means less congestion.
Note that having friends is not the same as just being around people who are different. For example, travel “broadens” us, but that exposure probably doesn’t include a one-on-one conversation about food, clothes, and insecurities. One can go to an ethnic festival, read about job loss, and admire different music and art, but do you know the cook and their dreams, have ideas for the new job that actually reflects someone’s ideals and abilities, and attend all that artist’s concerts and art exhibits? I am guessing that you try to do that for your friends. Plus remember conversations work both ways. You learn about each other. How do they support you? How do they expand and support what is possible for you?
Another community I have suddenly found myself immersed in is that of drag queens in Portland, OR, where I now live. (I’d say at least four consider me a friend. Really.) One considered her 35th birthday weekend a super major happening. I wanted to change schedules to actually attend one of her events, but my previous commitments made this impossible. Except, finally, a late Friday night event showed up. She had to share two links with me so I could actually buy a ticket! So, that Friday I picked up a stem of yellow roses (yellow for friendship – who knew?) from a real florist, headed to my usual Friday night commitment, and arrived at her later one just as the show began — which meant I was greeted by name as I walked in and handed her the flowers in front of everyone (which is also a story about how time works). Ah, but how does she support me? Hugs. Making sure I have a seat at events where she isn’t performing. Answering messages. Differences? For the record I’m not male, gay, or 6’10”, and I was 35 a long time ago….
Maybe “slowly” is better — but “slow” feels right. But why is this something to make a difference or change the world?
If you still feel you must hurry, go ahead. Recently, I was helping host a public labyrinth walk happening in a private space. One woman sat very still, took a long moment to begin her walk, and then moved so quickly through the labyrinth it was hard to see if she actually followed the design. In the middle she sat quietly for a long time. And them moved so quickly out that my companion asked me if she’d just headed for the exit. (No, she again “walked.”) Certainly I don’t know her story. But the slow, even motionless, part of her “walk” was clearly central. The hurry just allowed her to get to the places where, for her, “slow” was essential.
On the original list of 
“Why should I use them? There’s no one around,” retorted the voices of random friends.
As a frequent pedestrian, I often signal to cars as to whether I really will cross the street or if I am letting the car go first. Sometimes the car won’t go first because they’ve learned to not trust walkers or other drivers. (Is that car really letting me in?)
If you feel uncertain about politics, violence, economics, the environment, or any other current issues, global and personal, you may also feel a tad helpless about “things.” Perhaps as a reader or follower of Spirit Moxie, you’ve forgotten that there really are little things we can do to change the world. Or maybe you’ve never really thought that little things might work to affect big issues.
Then go back to those little things we talk about in Spirit Moxie. If you have a copy of 
Then there are the concrete actions that make a difference as we can we clearly see. An area without litter (4.) is healthier and safer as well as more attractive (back to emotions!).
During COVID, I wrote a Conversation piece around the importance of growing things called 
Many are on our basic “little things that can change the world” list.
Part of your job might be the dreaming that creates these — but it is certainly gratitude for them which helps give them power.
When I began writing this, I got a bit puckish and remembered the “Wild West” definition, with prospectors and land barons. In my imagination I saw dry creeks and hills. There, “claim” was a noun.
Intellectually how could your getting enough sleep* or
We read that we’re enough, are fabulous, are good the way we are. But our mind may say, “Who, you? Don’t be silly. You’re not big or strong or important enough to matter.” Thank your mind for sharing. You are all you have to offer. And it is enough. If you claim that and I claim that, we have enough people for that race. And others will join in.