diveristy | Spirit Moxie

“Have friends very different from yourself” – This is #22 on Spirit Moxie’s original list of 100 Ways to Make the World Work. (They’re in alphabetical order. There’s no order of importance!)

Why and how might this help make your world work and the world work? If you have been following and reading these Conversations, you know I already think you are fabulous and perfect and open to positive change for yourself and the world. Hopefully, you also have a glimmer that change is most effectively possible when explored and practiced in community. A major way to strengthen community is through our differences. None of your friends is as fabulous (and perfect) in the same ways you are. Having very different friends expands your world so it can be the best it can be. (Remember pet rocks? For those of you who delighted in that trend, a friend probably doesn’t get more different than that. So include your dog, cat, or bird. Houseplants. That tree in the back yard. But back to humans….)

two hands with linked pinky fingers Note that having friends is not the same as just being around people who are different. For example, travel “broadens” us, but that exposure probably doesn’t include a one-on-one conversation about food, clothes, and insecurities. One can go to an ethnic festival, read about job loss, and admire different music and art, but do you know the cook and their dreams, have ideas for the new job that actually reflects someone’s ideals and abilities, and attend all that artist’s concerts and art exhibits? I am guessing that you try to do that for your friends. Plus remember conversations work both ways. You learn about each other. How do they support you? How do they expand and support what is possible for you?

A classic example of differences in supporting someone is the slightly unorganized CEO who has a detail driven assistant, who may or may not be a friend. For me it is a friend who thinks in straight lines, is challenged in a good way by the things I share which despite my best intentions are never quite linear, and always asks when coffee is not part of one of my food pictures. Since we’re friends, I depend on her to know my ideas are at least comprehensible. Through me she is challenged to look at things in new ways. It is the variety around us that completes us.

Another community I have suddenly found myself immersed in is that of drag queens in Portland, OR, where I now live. (I’d say at least four consider me a friend. Really.) One considered her 35th birthday weekend a super major happening. I wanted to change schedules to actually attend one of her events, but my previous commitments made this impossible. Except, finally, a late Friday night event showed up. She had to share two links with me so I could actually buy a ticket! So, that Friday I picked up a stem of yellow roses (yellow for friendship – who knew?) from a real florist, headed to my usual Friday night commitment, and arrived at her later one just as the show began — which meant I was greeted by name as I walked in and handed her the flowers in front of everyone (which is also a story about how time works). Ah, but how does she support me? Hugs. Making sure I have a seat at events where she isn’t performing. Answering messages. Differences? For the record I’m not male, gay, or 6’10”, and I was 35 a long time ago….

Ethnicity, economic status, and country of origin are a few other ways you might be different from a friend. But to really practice and understand diversity, you must know who you are — and be comfortable with that. I always go through the basics. For me these are age: over 21, gender: female, race: Caucasian, and sexuality: heterosexual. I was born and raised in the United States and would probably be called “middle class.” Since some people include other data such as education and marital status in this mix, I’ll include that too, although I don’t think about it much (college, divorce, etc.). From there we could go to traits, like allergies or even preferences, but the statistical box, so to speak, is what you need to claim about yourself in your bones.

And I do claim it. Knowing who I am and being comfortable with that allows me to easily interact with a huge variety of people and “things.” This place of self knowledge is where trees talk; travel becomes not only “enriching,” but easy and full of real connection; and dogs that usually ignore everyone except their owners pull towards you on the street. It means you’re not threatened by different skin colors, speech patterns, or sexual orientations (yes, “heterosexual” is an orientation) .

Central to this is an affirmation and appreciation of the world as it is. But it means that we need to see it as a whole. It means things can and should change. But it also means that change as far as someone’s basic characteristics isn’t the goal. If someone is young, black, and homosexual and maybe from a different country, we can still be friends. Friends that hang out together. It means sharing food, noticing if they’re the only black person in the room, and listening when things aren’t going well. And as with any other friend, you know what they like and don’t like whether it’s food, a sports team, or cats. You encourage their dreams and laugh at (or tease them about) their awful jokes.

So, change the world and expand yours. Have friends very different from you. How does this show up for you?

__________________________

Photos from the top:

two hands with linked pinky fingers (8ob43mw658c.jpg) – Womanizer Toys
Inanna Miss– Spirit Moxie

Cheese display On the original list of “100 Ways to Make the World Work,” there are at least four suggestions that embrace either difference or diversity. And at some point you may very well see a Conversation on every one of them. It’s a simple acknowledgement that variety enriches us.

“Of course!” you say. But do people really think so? There are tourists abroad who always seek out McDonald’s. There are people I know who won’t go “downtown” because of their visions of panhandlers, crazy people collecting soda cans, and others who don’t look or act like they do. There’s the food you don’t like because of texture, taste, or just, well, because.

So, if difference and diversity (if one dare use that word), enrich us, how and why can’t we embrace this? But why should we? We still don’t like those foods and are uncomfortable when that person on the corner gets a little loud and moves oddly. Most of our friends look like us, talk like us, and are on the same social level. We watch the same shows on television every week, repeat our usual social patterns, and have preferences on clothing, pets, and sexual partners. In the process we reflect, positively or negatively, values passed down from our parents and the opinions of our friends.

Difference? Where, when, why, and, in today’s world, how?

First of all, I’m guessing that when I said, “variety enriches us,” you agreed or you would have stopped reading. There’s an agreement that variety stretches us in good ways, perhaps helps us at least seem smarter, more productive, or increasingly creative.
So? Where does this variety show up for you? Perhaps you love traveling. Whether a new town down the road or a new country across the ocean, when you travel there are different foods, faces, and festivals. Do you find all this interesting, fun, challenging? Sit with it. How do these differences impact you? Do they change you? Expand how you think or look at your daily life?

For one scientific example, in horticulture, variety has been proven to help plants develop resistance to disease. Developing a single strain of something eliminates responding to disease and unexpected pests or can challenge users of that particular plant. Less artificial manipulation of crops, e.g., “non-GMO,” has produced crops that cause fewer allergic reactions (at least for some of my friends).

That said, where else can you see differences? In people? Maybe your Uncle Frank gets angry easily and you’re more mellow. Perhaps most of the people, or even one or two, at that event or in that store have a different skin color or talk with an unfamiliar accent or are in a different age range. How might that enlarge your understanding and experience of the world? Could there be another way to look at something you assumed?

When was the last time you tried, if you dared, an unfamiliar food or drink? Did you like it? Did it put you off trying something else? (For whatever reason, food is one of the things that brings communities together, which is something to remember when traveling or exploring other cultures.) When did you last retry something you were sure you don’t like, but weren’t allergic to? Any change?  One of the best ways to embrace the idea of difference being positive — maybe the only way — is to take a moment to really know yourself and liking what you are. Race. Sexuality. Nationality. Age. And, yes, also the things that seem to be given about you that in theory could change, such as religion, language, food preferences, skill base, interests. Where have you changed things in those categories? While I don’t easily learn other languages, I can be polite in several. From my teen years through now, I went from always using cream and sugar in my coffee to adding just milk to drinking it black, with a several year preference somewhere in there for drinking tea in the morning. At least one unexpected interest change, that came through a brief relationship, is that I am now a Formula1 fan and can, in a pinch, watch or listen to conversations about auto racing.

Superficial? Maybe. But change can be subtle. In fact. it’s seldom abrupt.

How does this serve you or change the world? When you know who you are, diversity and difference don’t threaten you. And most of the world isn’t like you. In fact, none of it is because there is only one you. Seeing difference becomes interesting and exciting rather than threatening and creates peace, calm, and lovely options when we step outside our own doors. It might make it possible to listen to someone you don’t agree with but would love to understand. It might be fun! It certainly changes the world.

___________________________

Photo by Spirit Moxie:
Part of the cheese display at Gibb’s Cheese,
Findlay Market, Cincinnati, Ohio

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