For years it felt as if I made connections, had exciting experiences, and embraced interesting job opportunities because of how I was related to others. I was the daughter of a dynamic, interesting mother who loved me. I was the wife of an intelligent, professional man. When both those relationships ended (death/divorce), I then had multiple opportunities just because I’m female.

Of course that’s an exaggeration. During this time I was loved, challenged, and pursued possibilities that were completely mine. But in retrospect, this view reflected a lot of truth and dramatically showed me that how others view us and how we view ourselves affects us significantly.

Think of it as boxes. Once someone believes they know something about you, they make it part of your box. Let’s say that one day you don’t eat shrimp. Now I know people allergic to shrimp – so that’s part of their box if you’re cooking for them. -But let’s say that on one day, you just didn’t want any shrimp. Because of that one time decision, I assume it’s part of your box – until we go out and you order some. “But I thought you didn’t like shrimp.” “What????,” you say. “Where did you get that idea?” This is a fairly superficial example, but there are always others. One friend decided I was always late, -so she started arriving at our meeting places extra early so she could support her assumption.

Both age and gender identity are more insidious examples of boxes. I pretty much don’t share my age because many people instantly put me into the box labeled “old.” It becomes an explanation for why I forget names – which has been an issue for me as long as I can remember. Many assume it explains health issues, which may partly be true, but I know drinking more water and walking more will mitigate many things we blame on age. Plus, I have friends much younger than I am who have health issues too. Many people I meet use the age box as an explanation of any ache, mishap, or uncertainty, such as a dislike for driving after dark.

Gender? One friend defines himself as “bi,” although I firmly have placed him in the box labeled “gay.” But it’s his box and I really have no right to do that. Another male friend is more comfortable dressed as a woman, both for performance and general comfort, but doesn’t label himself at all. It just is an is. To me, that box just acknowledges and embraces presentation.

I think it is the assumption that our personal box is the right one, somehow a better box than those of others around us, that contributes to people’s unease around identities that are different from theirs, which is also a reflection of what we encounter as negatively in news and some conversations.

There are a myriad of “boxes” in our lives. All those assumptions we make about others affect us too. Plus I’m not even talking here about overriding assumptions, such as race, which are a lot more more complex than I have space to address here.

Most boxes are somewhere in between. Boxes help us manage all of the connections around us. The real challenge is for you to be aware of the boxes you choose or don’t choose to define yourself and others.

Are the walls of your boxes solid or permeable as you encounter things during your day? Do you confront boxes that don’t fit, that you don’t want, and that feel inconsistent? “You always do such and such….” isn’t true just because someone says it.

Play with it. Could you have made an incorrect assumption about someone you know? How do you react to how others talk about you and to you. Is it affirming? Do think something isn’t true? Make it a game! I would love a chance to hear how it goes!

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All photos by Spirit Moxie

Storage shelves
Box at transit station